


Stay or Go, This Love Hurts Us Both

by InsaneJuliann



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunk Sex, Eddie and Buck - two sides of the same self-blaming coin, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:34:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24192184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Eddie had never met Abby Clark. He’d never wanted to. Never thought he would have to.Clearly, Eddie had been wrong. About a lot of things.After Buck's conversation with Abby, he ends up at Eddie's place. They talk... for a little while, and then they do a lot of not talking.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 89
Kudos: 560





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once more this is, entirely, [tarialdarion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion)'s fault. I was just talking about how I could probably write a handful of fics all going off of the expressions we get served from one Eddie Diaz during the train wreck in 3.18, and then I mentioned I could probably make a more angsty one than my first three ideas, and she was willing to pay me in tears if I did this for her. So see - this angst is all her fault, really.
> 
> She's also to thank for the title, because she suggested the song Only The Lonely Survive and I butchered some lyrics from there for my own purposes. As one does.
> 
> I wrote this in like... five hours, give or take half an hour. It's all written, I'm just breaking it into chapters for Reasons. 
> 
> Enjoy. ;)
> 
> Edit: I... did not realize until someone pointed it out that I originally forgot a summary. In my defense, when I posted the first chapter I was very tired, and was getting my second migraine in three days. So. yeah. Oops.

All Eddie could do for a moment was shake his head and stare at the woman before him.

Abby Clark.

She’d been nothing more than a name the entire time Eddie had been with the 118. Nothing more than a ghost that lingered around for a while before disappearing entirely. He knew of her through little more than what Buck had occasionally brought up, those first few months, or from what he’d first heard when Chimney and Hen had told him about Buck’s girlfriend who had ghosted him recently.

Eddie had never met her. He’d never wanted to. Never thought he would _have_ to.

Clearly, Eddie had been wrong. About a lot of things.

Because Eddie had also thought, recently, that maybe he and Buck were on the same page about what was lurking between them. Buck was flirtatious by nature, was just that naturally charming with everyone when he wanted to be. But there had often been a spark of more, between them. Especially after they’d gotten through that rough patch of the tsunami and lawsuit.

Eddie had been pining like a damned fool for a while before that, too. First without realizing it, and then when it hit him, with an ache that had almost made him want to run in the other direction. But it was Buck – Buck who always seemed to know what Eddie needed, who loved Chris with all that he had, who was at Eddie’s home so often he practically lived there at least half the time if anyone had asked Eddie about it.

Eddie had _thought_ Buck recognized what was between them too. From the way he’d sometimes corner Eddie in the kitchen when Chris was distracted, leaning close and voice low and intent. From the way he’d touch Eddie, casually, constantly, always in places that wouldn’t draw too much question, but with just a few seconds of lingering that made Eddie glance at him.

From the way Buck was involved and had opinions on Chris, from homework to activities on their days off to the stupid summer camp. Eddie always listened to what Buck had to say, even if he didn’t follow it necessarily. (Chris was going to camp, Eddie could hardly say no to him about it, but it made Eddie both more worried and also warmed up inside when Buck had worried about the same things Eddie had.)

Yet, none of that felt as sure and possible as it used to. Because right now, Eddie was seeing the way Buck looked at this woman, this Abby, with shock and softness and a kind of hope or yearning or something that tore at Eddie’s chest.

He could only stare at her, shaking his head a bit, feeling like…

Like his chance with Buck was slipping through his fingers. Like _Buck_ was no longer in reach; maybe never had been.

The rest of the night didn’t change Eddie’s mind on that.

Buck was recklessly desperate to do as he’d promised to Abby. He’d rather risk dying if it meant she got her fiancé back alive. Ready to risk his life, risk all of them really, just for this woman who had left him without any care. It pissed Eddie off. It made his insides squirm with jealousy.

It hurt, because Buck was throwing all of them aside, for her.

He was throwing aside how it would make Bobby and Hen and Chim feel if Buck was hurt again, if he _died_ this time. (How many times could one person cheat death, before their luck ran out?) He was throwing aside how Christopher would feel, knowing his Buck was gone.

He was throwing away Eddie and hell if Eddie wasn’t _used_ to that, he’d just….

He couldn’t help the vitriol in his voice when he told Bobby it was Abby. He couldn’t help the snappish anger when he told Bobby and Buck there wasn’t time for their bickering. (Each second meant the two people they were hoping to save were closer to being lost. Each second meant the whole train car got more unstable, and the chances of it falling on Buck and injuring or killing him increased.)

Eddie could see how Buck was hurting, but it was like Buck didn’t care. He didn’t care that Abby was hurting him, more, again. Eddie had been there, he knew what it was like, and he didn’t want that for Buck. He didn’t want Buck hurting because someone didn’t think Buck was worth the effort and love.

Which was bullshit. How anyone could look at Buck and not see how damned lucky they were to have that love, made no sense to Eddie.

He tried to check on Buck, but got a brush off. Which. Yeah. Eddie should have figured.

All he could do, the rest of the shift, was keep an eye on Buck and hope to catch him when he fell.

Buck felt hollowed out.

He hadn’t expected Abby to suddenly want to be with him, or anything. Not after finding out about her fiancé. But he’d….

Actually, he wasn’t sure what precisely he _had_ expected, but whatever it was, it hadn’t been that conversation.

She’d apologized, but it had been for him finding out ‘like that’, for her appearing back in his life with a fiancé. Not for how she’d left him. Not for being dishonest with him, whether she’d actually known when she left or on the few times they’d talked, or for how she’d just stopped talking to him altogether instead of telling him it was over. Buck wasn’t sure he believed her, when she said that she had thought she would come back, when he was kissing her goodbye and promising to wait.

He didn’t think he did.

Which meant she’d just… left him there, waiting, _knowing_ he was waiting and just… let him believe a lie.

It hurt.

It hurt even more, to hear that she thought she’d slip back into some person who only took care of others, if she stayed with him. Because what did that make Buck? He’d thought he’d been someone she could talk to, that could share the weight of everything she’d been going through, that gave her a chance to be herself without worrying about others. And there she was, telling him that being with him would have made her into the opposite of that. It felt like she was telling him that he’d been another person she’d felt obligated to take care of, that he’d been a burden on her.

It threw everything he’d ever thought or believed about their relationship into a new, sickening light. He had to question all of it. What did it mean, if the relationship he saw as a turning point in his life, had only been another weight holding down the person he cared about? That he’d loved?

Once again, he’d loved someone more than they did him. He’d known that, in that she’d ghosted him, but now it felt… heavier. More.

Buck had been hurting a lot, lately; fearful of being left behind, feeling weirdly lonely even when around his team, feeling unnecessary and unwanted. He’d talked to Maddie about it, and her promises helped but… but she’d already left him, twice. He wanted to believe her _so badly_ but he wasn’t sure he did, that he even could.

Maybe Abby had been able to see that. Maybe she’d seen what all the people he’d just had sex with before had also seen.

Buck wasn’t the kind of person that you stayed for. He wasn’t long-term.

He sat on that bench after Abby had left for another hour or so. He just ached, empty and alone.

When Buck did eventually drag himself away, back to his jeep, he didn’t really have a plan.

He wasn’t surprised, though, when he found himself outside the Diaz house.

Buck spent plenty of time at their house. With Chris, with Eddie, watching movies and eating and cooking because Eddie kind of sucked in the kitchen. Playing board games and laughing and feeling basically lit up from the inside out from the acceptance and affection from the Diaz boys. His Diaz boys.

Eddie had yet to turn Buck away, when he showed up even unannounced. Hell, Buck had his own key, had for a while. Sometimes he let himself in, early in the morning before Eddie and Chris were up, to make breakfast for them. He spent a few nights on Eddie’s couch because he’d had too much to drink, not wanting to leave yet, and Eddie had insisted he should just stay.

Fuck. Buck had a goddamn drawer of clothes he’d left behind at Eddie’s over the past several months. He had a toothbrush. There were things in the fridge or cupboards that were more his than either of theirs.

It was almost like a relationship, without the actual relationship parts.

When he stepped in the door, Eddie peeked out from the kitchen. He didn’t look surprised to see Buck.

Actually, he looked a bit too understanding and knowing for Buck’s tastes right then.

Buck went straight for the actual liquor that was hidden in the cupboard near the fridge. The top shelf of it had a bottle of tequila, among some others.

Buck brought down the tequila, two shot glasses, and wasted no time pouring himself one. He raised a brow at Eddie, who just shook his head, pulling a dish from the oven. It was just a small frozen lasagna, but the smell of it hit Buck and his stomach growled. He hadn’t eaten all day.

He downed another shot, before sitting at the table.

He had a beer with the lasagna, like Eddie. Eddie didn’t ask him any questions, and after a bit he stopped sending Buck those slightly worried looks too. The conversation wasn’t quite awkward or stilted, but it wasn’t as easy as Buck was used to, which just made the itch growing under his skin since he’d gotten in his jeep worse.

Chris was, apparently, at a sleepover. One of his school friends was having a birthday party/sleepover, and Chris had been incredibly excited to get to attend. Buck tried to joke it was a test run, to see if Eddie could manage one night with Chris not home. Eddie had rolled his eyes, smile a bit tight, and Buck had stopped.

It was too damn quiet. Eddie wasn’t quite looking at him. Buck felt like he was going to fucking – implode or something. He was hollowed out inside and he felt like he had ants crawling under his skin with some kind of jittery something, and usually he felt more relaxed hanging out with Eddie but….

“I met up with Abby,” he blurted, as they washed their plates in the sink.

Eddie shot him a quick look, before focusing on what they were doing. “How’d it go?” he asked, almost blandly. Disinterestedly. Buck’s chest spasmed.

“Bad,” Buck settled on saying. His face twisted up, and he could feel his eyes burn a bit, but he was _not_ going to start blubbering over this. He wasn’t. He _refused_.

Not in front of Eddie, who always had such tight control.

Not in front of Eddie, who’d stayed solid and – okay, maybe not _steady_ after Shannon, but….

Buck poured himself another shot. The burn in his throat was distracting from the one in his eyes. “She thinks I would make her be this – person who only exists to help others again.” He couldn’t help the bitterness that he could hear in his voice. He leaned back against the counter, scowling as he kept replaying that conversation in his mind. No matter how he turned it, he couldn’t find a way to make it hurt less.

“I told her I was glad she was happy.”

“Are you?”

Buck tilted his head to consider Eddie, who was leaning a hip against the counter and had raised a brow.

Buck poured himself another shot. He probably should slow down though.

“Don’t know,” he said. “Maybe? But like – I thought she was happy, being with me. But now it’s like – was any of it real? Did I ever make her happy, or was I just another problem she was escaping when she left?” He considered the shot glass before knocking it back.

“Was it like that when Shannon left?”

Buck didn’t quite think about what he’d said until after the words had landed between them and the quiet rushed in, heavy. He wanted to take it back. He wanted to beg Eddie to help him feel better, to help him make sense of it, to show Buck that he wasn’t alone.

Eddie reached out, taking the bottle of tequila from behind Buck and grabbing the shot glass from Buck’s loose grip. He poured himself first one shot, and then another.

He set it down heavily on the counter before looking at Buck.

There was so much aching and hurt in his eyes. It made Buck’s breath still in his chest.

“Shannon and I were always kind of a mess.” He looked away, frowning. “I don’t know if we just – grew apart, or fell out of love or… or what. But everything was always fast. We got together quickly, got married early, had Chris, and I was always gone. And – I don’t know. I made mistakes. She did too, not that –“ Eddie shook his head. He reached for the bottle again.

“We couldn’t rely on each other. We wanted things we couldn’t give each other.” He downed another shot, then passed the glass over when Buck held out his hand. “But yeah. When she left that first time. After I was angry. I wondered if she’d always been waiting for a chance to run from our life, or if it was just me she was running from. Or if she had meant to come back and just… couldn’t bring herself to.”

Buck downed his own shot, head feeling like it was definitely spinning when he straightened it. That should – probably be his last one. Yeah. How many had that been?

Eddie eyed him, taking the glass and bottle away.

His gaze was on his hands as he poured another shot. “The second time… I thought we’d been doing okay. Maybe not great, but we were – we were doing better. I was _trying_.” Eddie’s voice broke a bit, and it felt like it sliced at Buck’s own chest. “But she was telling me she wanted a divorce, and I… I don’t know what I did wrong.” He threw back the shot.

“Eddie, you didn’t-“

“No offense, Buck, but you don’t know that.” Eddie looked at him. “I’d thought the first time that I wasn’t doing that bad, but she left. I could have been fucking things up this time too without even realizing it.”

“Eddie….”

“I can’t even get the mother of my kid to want to stick around. What chance do I have of anyone else wanting to make the effort with me, huh?”

Buck sucked in a breath. “You – anyone would be lucky to have you and Chris.”

Eddie hiked his chin up, eyes glassy and challenging. “Somehow, I doubt that.”

“Eddie –“

“Besides, I don’t just want anyone.”

“Yeah?”

Eddie grabbed the front of Buck’s shirt, tugging him the rest of the way close. Buck’s hand shot out to the counter, for balance, and because he wasn’t entirely sure it was the alcohol making him lightheaded. Time felt slow, as Eddie paused not even an inch from Buck’s mouth.

“Yeah,” he breathed, and then.

He kissed him.

Buck groaned.

All he could focus on was the feeling of Eddie’s lips on his, pressing in and moving confidently. His stubble scratched lightly where it touched Buck. One of the hands on his jaw moved up, into Buck’s hair, fisting and loosening a few times before he tilted Buck’s head just so and –

 _Oh_.

The slight sting of a bite on Buck’s lower lips made him sway closer, almost gasping. Eddie chuckled, lips moving along his jaw to his ear.

Buck’s head fell forward, tilting a bit so there was more room, which he assumed Eddie liked if the way he tugged on the lobe of Buck’s ear was any fucking indication. Buck pressed his own lips to what he could reach of Eddie’s skin, not even caring that it was probably kind of clumsy. He just – felt good, and he wanted Eddie to know it, to make Eddie feel good too.

Eddie’s hand tugged at his hair, pulling him back enough for Eddie to get to his lips again. The kisses deepened, pressing Buck’s mouth open and encouraging Buck into reciprocating the deep, pressing kisses.

Buck was, in a distant way, aware he was making soft whining and gasping noises. He still had one hand with a death grip on the counter, and the other was fisting Eddie’s shirt like it would keep Eddie right there.

Not that Eddie seemed to want to go anywhere.

“Fuck, you’re good at this,” Eddie breathed, voice low and oh fuck that made Buck feel like just –

He knew he was probably being clumsy and sloppy with his own kisses to Eddie, but he couldn’t care. He felt eager and desperate, especially when Eddie made a pleased noise and bit Buck’s lip again, tugging it as he pulled away.

One of Eddie’s hands slid down, and then back up, but under his shirt this time. His fingertips were rough, his nails barely long enough to scratch and Buck practically arched into the touch.

“You are so fucking gorgeous,” Eddie murmured, practically at his ear. “C’mere.” He tugged Buck’s head back down, and Buck happily, eagerly dove into the offer of more kisses. He was dizzy with it all, and he didn’t want to stop, not even for a moment. He let go of the counter so he could also get his hands under Eddie’s shirt, not sure where to move his hands first, just wanted it everywhere.

Eddie backed him up. They hit a wall.

Shirts came off. Buck went back for kisses as soon as he could, and then moaned when Eddie moved down Buck’s neck, kissing and biting and _sucking_. Every once in a while he’d murmur something else, something about ‘so good’ and ‘that’s it cariño’ and ‘want you’ and more. Buck was dizzy with it. He got his hands on Eddie’s jeans, undoing the button and fumbling with the zipper until Eddie batted his hands away and slid it down himself. Eddie’s groan, deep and throaty, when Buck got his hand down under his underwear made Buck feel like sparks were going off.

He’d make Eddie feel so good. Fuck, he wanted to do so much with him.

After a minute or two, though, Eddie was pulling Buck’s hand out. Buck made a confused noise, and Eddie pressed rapid, hot kisses over his cheek to his mouth.

“Bed,” he murmured against Buck’s mouth. “Not a wall.”

Who was Buck to turn that down?

Down the hall they lost their pants, and then by the time they hit the bed they were naked. Eddie backed Buck up, lowering him to the bed and pressing biting kisses all over Buck’s neck and collarbone and chest. Buck couldn’t decide where to put his hands – Eddie’s hips, Eddie’s shoulders, dragging his nails down Eddie’s back, Eddie’s _ass_.

Eddie was grinding into him, their cocks rubbing together, and Buck was losing his mind. He wanted to touch, but when he tried Eddie caught his hand and held it down, fingers linked with Buck’s, near Buck’s head.

And wasn’t that just – something. Buck was too gone for finding good words. Maybe any words.

Eddie’s other hand slid down from Buck’s hip, along the outside of his thigh, curled behind his knee. He lifted Buck’s leg up, encouraging him to curl it around him with murmurs of ‘that’s it’ and ‘just like that, Buck’. Buck was pretty sure he couldn’t make words anymore, could just make these soft whines and gasps and desperate noises that at least Eddie seemed to like.

His hand smoothed back down to Buck’s hip, urging him to rut up against Eddie and _Jesus fuck_ it felt so good. Slick and hot and hard and –

Buck was going to come like a fucking rocket, intense and hard and fast.

He – he didn’t want to though, he couldn’t come too soon because what if Eddie stopped or what if Eddie was disappointed? Fuck, no, nope, Buck needed – he –

“Shh,” Eddie murmured in his ear, the hand on his hip tightening against Buck’s squirming. “I’ve got you, Evan, shh, you’re doing so good babe, just like that, so good for me. Fuck, I'm close.” He started biting and sucking kisses at some spot on Buck’s neck, near the thin skin behind his ear.

Buck whined, loud, as Eddie kept them grinding against each other, his one free hand searching for something, anything to latch onto, to ground himself. Everything was hot and intense and fuzzy at the edges, while certain things – Eddie, where they touched, the sound of Eddie murmuring praise and filth between biting kisses – were sharp.

Buck whited out when he came. His hand tightened where he’d grabbed Eddie’s shoulder, and his legs gripped Eddie’s hips and he might have lost a few seconds. Eddie’s breath was hot on his skin as he panted, groaned, grinding against Buck’s slightly sensitive cock until he came too. Buck felt loose and exhausted and floating.

He felt good.

Eddie pulled back after a few moments, lips brushing sluggishly over Buck’s, a few half-hearted kisses. Buck whined when Eddie pulled back, and grabbed back on as soon as Eddie reappeared with one of the blankets they’d kicked aside on the bed. He wiped them up, dropped the blanket over the bedside, and draped an arm around Buck.

Buck could hardly keep his eyes open. He twisted, closer to Eddie. Eddie’s arm tightened, moving in long, soothing strokes up and down Buck’s back. Sometimes he briefly went up towards Buck’s hair, scratching lightly at it, before going back to rubbing up and down.

Exhaustion hit Buck pretty suddenly. He felt heavy limbed, warm. Safe.

Falling asleep was easy.

Waking up?

That was not.

Buck’s head pounded a bit, and his mouth felt absolutely gross and fuzzy. He was hot, almost too much so, and –

There was an arm over his waist and warm breaths on his shoulders and _holy shit he’d slept with Eddie_.

Buck tensed, breath stuttering to a stop. He’d slept with Eddie. Eddie, his teammate. Eddie, his best friend.

Eddie, his maybe-something-one-day and then Buck had shown up and gotten himself drunk, pressured Eddie into talking about his own emotional wounds in some fucked up effort to make himself feel better, which had made _Eddie_ get drunk.

And then they’d had sex.

Really, _really_ good sex, from what Buck could remember.

Except… he couldn’t remember enough. They hadn’t talked about this at all. Fuck, they’d not even talked about this unnamed _thing_ between them, really, and what if Buck had just _fucked it up_ because he’d gotten upset and reverted to his pre-Abby, Buck 1.0 self?

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fucking fuck_.

Oh god, what time was it? Buck carefully dislodged himself from Eddie’s sleep-loose grip, then hunted down his phone. It was in his pants, which were halfway down the hall for anyone to see. It still had charge, thankfully.

It was almost 10.

Buck had no idea when Chris was supposed to be back from his sleepover, or if Eddie would have to go pick him up or –

Buck could _not_ be there when that happened. He – he couldn’t pretend to be normal, not this time, and fuck what if Eddie regretted it? What if he was upset Buck had brought up Shannon and pushed about it and –

Buck bit his tongue against any curses that tried to come out while he yanked his pants on - no time to find his boxers, he needed out – and grabbed his shirt off the floor in the kitchen doorway. He was hopping into his shoes as he closed the front door behind himself, halfway down the steps before he thought to lock it back up and turned back to do so.

His hands were shaking.

He was panicking, and he knew it, but he couldn’t stop.

He just – he needed space to figure out what the hell he’d done and how to do damage control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, it's all already written, so you won't have to wait long for the rest. Probably I'll do the second chapter tomorrow, last on Saturday. We'll see. 
> 
> I don't write very explicit stuff often so if this isn't up to par or standards or whatever, sorry? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ You get what you get here, lol.
> 
> Feel free to yell at tari, too, for you know, not only suggesting I do in fact write this, but also that yes it was a good idea to split it into chapters. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Behold, the second chapter.
> 
> (Am I posting this during a quick break at work? Yes. I just tackled the craft supplies aisle and... the less I say at this point the better lol.)
> 
> Happy Friday to anyone who is also glad it is Friday.

Eddie blinked awake, grimacing at the slight headache and taste of death in his mouth. He squeezed his eyes shut, muttering curses under his breath. 

It took him a moment.

But he realized the bed was… empty.

Eddie felt his throat tighten, even as he opened his eyes and reached to the place in the bed where Buck had been. It didn’t feel warm anymore. For a minute, he just stayed perfectly still, listening as hard as he could. Buck usually woke up before him, anyway, often to start breakfast.

There weren’t any noises coming from his house though. Not the shower running, or sounds of the TV, or anyone moving around at all.

Eddie breathed, and it came out unsteady. His chest hurt, a sharp aching kind of twist.

Slowly, Eddie opened his eyes. He slipped out of bed and found his phone in the hallway. It was about 10:30, and he was supposed to pick Chris up by noon. So he had time to shower, at least. Maybe some toast and coffee if he was quick.

Mechanically, Eddie went to the shower, and washed off whatever was lingering on him from the previous night. His back stung in a few places. He did not let himself look in the mirror to see what were probably scratches. He couldn’t remember if Buck had left any love bites, but couldn’t make himself look to see. He brushed his teeth without once taking in his reflection in the mirror.

Eddie left his house and got himself a coffee and a hot chocolate for Chris on his way to pick him up. He gave himself the drive to really feel the ache of waking up alone after he’d laid himself out the previous night, about how he only wanted a relationship with Buck.

He never should have – done any of it. He shouldn’t have slept with Buck. He shouldn’t have kissed him. He shouldn’t have admitted that all he wanted was Buck. He shouldn’t have had anything to drink. He shouldn’t have done anything except let Buck unleash all the emotional hurt Abby had heaved onto him, and maybe get Buck to drink some water instead of alcohol.

Eddie’d messed up. Badly, since Buck hadn’t stuck around the morning after.

God, Eddie hoped Buck wasn’t pissed at him. Buck had been emotionally vulnerable, and Eddie had taken advantage of that.

Eddie breathed carefully through the sick feeling that rose.

When he stepped out of his truck, he pushed it all away, down deep where it wouldn’t, couldn’t, show. He had to keep himself together, for Chris. For anyone looking in on him as a single father, judging him as wanting. He had no room to be as devastated as he felt.

So Eddie fixed a bright smile on his face, and greeted the dad that opened the door to his knock. He stayed on the porch chatting lightly – yes, sleepovers with kids that age were wild, weren’t they? They demolished more pizza than a team of athletes it felt like – and ruffled Chris’ hair when he appeared with his bag over one shoulder and a bright smile on his face.

“Hey, kid,” Eddie said. “Say goodbye to everyone?”

“Yeah,” Chris agreed, leaning against Eddie’s side.

“Did you thank Billy’s parents?”

Chris nodded, but still looked at the dad and said, “Thank you, Mr. Billy’s dad.”

Eddie offered a last goodbye before walking with Chris back to his truck. He handed Chris his hot chocolate – which was probably more lukewarm by now – to Chris’ utter delight.

“Did you have fun?” Eddie asked, glancing in the rearview at Chris before he carefully merged onto the street again.

“Yeah. We stayed up super late, and played Animal Crossing! It was fun.”

“I’m glad.” Eddie’s smile was at least real, because it was hard not to smile and mean it when around Chris.

“Did you have fun too last night?”

And then Chris would sometimes unintentionally stab right at a sore spot, and the smiles were harder. But Eddie kept it firmly in place, casting a quick glance back.

“It was fine, I didn’t do much.”

Just Buck.

Not the time to think about it.

Eddie spent the rest of the day with Chris, helping him with what little homework he had left and watching the LEGO Batman movie. It was, admittedly, kind of funny. Even though it'd been a while since Chris watched it, he still somehow could quote half the thing, laughing as he did. They went and had dinner at Abuela’s; Eddie ignored any concerned or suspicious glances he got from her and Pepa. He shoved any thoughts about the previous night or that morning down even deeper, and dredged up some semblance of normality from somewhere. It seemed to work, because neither of them asked any of their usual pointed or leading questions when they thought he was keeping something big from them.

It wasn’t until Eddie got in his bed later that night that it smacked him in the face again.

His sheets had a lingering smell. The pillow Buck had used smelled like his damned shampoo or cologne or whatever.

Eddie threw the pillow across the room, scowling, and kicked the blankets off. He marched to the hall cupboard, dragging out a winter blanket and yanking it out.

It didn’t help as much as he’d hoped it would.

Eddie didn’t cry, because he wasn’t going to cry over a mess of his own making. He let himself feel the ache again, though, the realization that once more he’d not been enough to stay for. That he’d messed up another important relationship in his life, and sent another person running.

He just hoped this time, it wouldn’t impact Chris, too.

Work was _awful_.

Buck couldn’t meet Eddie’s eyes. He got in early, hoping to beat everyone to the locker room, but Chim was already there. Buck did not look his way, even as Chimney let out a prolonged whistle.

“Did you get mauled?” Chim joked.

Buck felt his cheeks turning red. He’d gotten a good look at himself, after he showered at his apartment that day. Eddie’d marked him up but _good_. There was a large hickey high up on his neck, almost behind his ear. Lots of smaller, lighter ones scattered along his neck. Another dark one on his collarbone.

Plenty on his chest. One on his ribs, and Buck didn’t even remember Eddie being down there.

Chim wasn’t even seeing the faint imprint of bruises on his hip, hidden by his uniform pants already. They were light, and probably wouldn’t last more than another day. Just the imprints of Eddie’s fingertips, digging into Buck’s skin as he’d held Buck still and close while –

Buck shoved the thought aside quickly.

“Seriously,” Chimney said, coming closer. Buck yanked his shirt on, face still pink, and he winced back when Chim gently poked a finger near the one on his neck. “Needed a rebound from seeing Abby?”

Buck snapped his head over, glaring.

Chimney’s brows show up and he took a step back, hands pointedly raised. “Hey, I’m not judging. I can only imagine what seeing her like that again was like. I’m glad, okay?” He sounded so sincere, too. It made Buck feel more guilt. “I’m glad you found someone to make you feel good for a night.”

“Yeah,” Buck croaked.

With a slightly uncertain smile, Chim focused on changing out of his own clothes. Buck hurried out, wishing he’d still had some of Ali’s makeup under his bathroom sink to try to make the hickey less noticeable. He’d thrown it out months ago, of course, when he had last done a deep cleaning of his place, but fuck wouldn’t it have been handy to have around.

Bobby came upstairs not too long later, Chimney following. He went to get breakfast started for them, and usually Buck would go up to help him. But he could feel Chim’s lingering glances, and didn’t have to look up to know Bobby was shooting him looks too. He wasn’t sure if Chimney had told him about the hickeys, or if Bobby was just worried after everything the other week.

Either way, Buck did not want to talk about it.

So he fucked around on his phone, giving off as much of a ‘leave me alone’ vibe as he could to discourage nosy teammates. He listened as Hen arrived, chatting with Chimney – their voices dropping to whispers for a bit, and now he was sure Hen was looking at him too – and as others came up, talking happily and easily.

He knew when Eddie came up, because Chimney said, “Hey, Eddie, how was your weekend?”

Buck did not let his eyes go in their direction.

“Pretty quiet,” Eddie admitted with a laugh. “Chris was at a sleepover party for a friend’s birthday.”

“Didn’t take advantage of a quiet house?” Hen asked.

Buck scowled at his phone. They were not fucking subtle.

Eddie laughed again. “I did. I slept in,” he said pointedly, and it made Hen laugh knowingly.

“The rare sleep in, yes, I used to know those.”

The conversation shifted to their kids, thankfully, and then Bobby was serving breakfast so they all settled in.

Eddie’s usual seat was by Buck. Buck couldn’t decide if it would be worse if Eddie sat there, or somewhere else. His foot was almost bouncing with nervous energy, waiting to see what Eddie would do….

Eddie sat next to him. He gave Buck an almost bland smile when he passed the eggs, before focusing on a conversation with someone else.

Buck focused on his phone. He wasn’t seeing anything, just trying to look busy as he scrolled through Instagram.

Everyone had to be noticing. Buck wasn’t talking, and Eddie wasn’t talking to Buck, and neither of them were really looking at each other.

Fuck, it had to be obvious.

Buck chanced a glance around, and while most people weren’t paying them attention, he swore Hen’s lips were pursed, and Bobby’s eyes were narrowed a bit.

 _Fuck_.

He had to do something to make it look normal again. Something….

The alarm rang, and they all moved.

Perfect. Buck would act like everything was fine and normal on the call, and everyone would just assume something else was going on.

It would work. It’d be fine. They could all pretend that things were normal, and maybe, eventually, it wouldn't be pretending anymore. 

Eddie went to the gym after their first three calls. They’d been, mostly, back to back – the second one had come only a minute or so after they returned to the firehouse – and most of the crew were heading up to see about lunch.

Eddie needed some space.

When he’d shown up that morning, Buck had already been there, and not talking to anyone. Eddie’d sat next to him, and Buck hadn’t looked at him until Eddie passed him some food.

It wasn’t hard to take a hint. Not that Buck leaving before Eddie woke up wasn’t enough of one.

So Eddie had planned to give Buck his space, to not make him feel obligated to talk to Eddie. He was clearly upset; maybe he didn’t feel mad, but hurt instead that Eddie had taken advantage that night.

Eddie wanted to apologize, but he wasn’t sure how.

Then, on the calls, Buck had been almost normal. He’d chattered at all of them, even Eddie, like he usually did, and as always he was professional and focused. In the cab on the way back he was talking to them like usual, like he hadn’t been pulling the silent routine earlier in the day.

He could hear him upstairs now, laughing and playing pool with someone, maybe Chim.

He’d clapped Eddie on the shoulder after their last call, giving him an overly bright grin.

It’d been fake.

Eddie could tell the difference.

Working out at least required him to focus. On his body and how it was moving, at when he needed to stop for water and a moment of rest before going back at it again. He went until Bobby leaned over the railing to shout at him to come up for lunch in ten.

Eddie rinsed off quickly, and jogged upstairs to see most everyone already seated. He made his plate and took his seat next to Buck, skin almost tingling with awareness of how close they were.

Buck’s foot was bouncing, though not as quick and apparent as earlier that morning. Still. Just another sign that he was faking his comfort with Eddie being near him.

Eddie ignored the familiar twist of guilt and hurt in his chest.

This was all his own fault. He’d wanted more than he should have. He’d asked for more than Buck was ready to give, while Buck was feeling vulnerable and hurt, and he’d sent Buck running.

He wanted to be angry. It’d be easy to be angry. Because Buck had enjoyed himself the previous night, Buck hadn’t said no, Buck had curled up into him after and mumbled things like ‘stay’ and something that had sounded painfully like ‘love you’ and Eddie –

Eddie wanted to be angry. But he had no right to be.

Because he’d known Buck was drunk. He himself hadn’t been all that sober, downing as many shots as he did as quickly as he had, along with the beer or two earlier. But still. He should have known better.

Eddie ate his food, replying when someone spoke to him, otherwise quiet. Buck’s leg was still bouncing, so Eddie wasn’t surprised when he sprang up as soon as he finished eating and was asking who wanted to play him on MarioKart.

“You’re going down, Buckley,” Hen said, standing up as well. Her hand touched Eddie’s shoulder briefly, startling him a bit. He looked up, to see her confused but sympathetic look. He had to look away.

Eddie wasn’t sure if the calls they went on later helped or made things worse. On calls, Buck acted like normal, though Eddie could tell he was forcing it a lot, could see the strain in the corners of Buck’s eyes. He was pretty sure everyone could, because Hen took the seat next to Eddie at one point, before Buck could.

Buck hadn’t even hesitated before taking the seat next to Chimney.

It was a relief when the day was done. Eddie claimed he had to hurry to pick up Chris from his abuela’s (a lie, Carla was with Chris today) and left without even changing into his civvies. Buck and he didn’t look at each other at all.

Eddie didn’t miss Chimney’s raised brows though.

He should have expected it when the next day, Bobby cornered him while he was working out in the gym, asking to speak to Eddie in his office.

“Is there a problem?” Eddie asked, feeling a bit breathless still from his workout. It was awkward, being in Bobby’s office with the door shut, while he was still in workout clothes and sweaty. It made him feel even more like he was at a disadvantage, like he was in trouble.

“I was gonna ask you that,” Bobby said, a concerned frown on his face.

“I’m fine.” Eddie shrugged. “I’ve got things on my mind – you know, with Chris’ summer camp and Pepa caught a bad flu bug that had us all worried for a few days.”

“She okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Eddie said quickly, feeling guilty. He wasn't lying, but he _was_ playing up how much it had worried him. “She just rarely gets sick, you know, so when she does….”

“It’s more concerning,” Bobby finished, nodding.

Eddie felt almost sick with all the guilt he was feeling.

“There’s nothing else going on? You and Buck are good?”

“Sure. Why?”

He wondered if he’d said that too fast.

Bobby raised a brow, giving him the same look his dad had when he’d tried to lie about sneaking out with a girl when he was a sophomore. “You two seem a bit tense, aren’t talking as much. You’re both perfectly professional and still good on calls, but between them?” Bobby tilted his head.

Eddie shrugged, looking away. “I don’t know. Haven’t really seen him much. Since the, you know….”

“The train wreck.”

Eddie nodded, silent.

“I was meaning to talk to you about that night, but it slipped my mind.”

His eyes shot back over to Bobby, tension snapping into place in his shoulders. His spine straightened, and he knew he’d practically fallen into parade rest. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, sir, it was-“

Bobby held up a hand. “Eddie. I wanted to talk to you because I wanted to be sure you know I value your medical opinions and assessments. I know we went with Buck’s plan, crazy as it was, and we were lucky that it worked out as well as it did. But in doing so, we went against the judgment call I asked you to make.”

Eddie blinked, not quite sure how to take what was happening. “I mean, we all would prefer being able to save everyone,” he said, uncertainly.

“Yes. But what we did was risky. It went against protocol, in some ways, and I’m sure it might have caused some tension.”

He frowned. “Tension?”

Bobby almost grimaced, head nodding back and forth a bit. “My going with Buck’s plan, instead of your judgment call.”

“My – you – “ Eddie shook his head. “You think Buck and I are fighting because we went with his crazy plan instead of saving the girl at the risk of Abby’s fiancé?”

“It definitely didn’t seem like either of you agreed about which call to make,” Bobby pointed out.

Eddie shook his head. “Look,” he sighed, dropping into one of the chairs. He rested his elbows on his knees, staring at the ground and trying to gather his thoughts. Bobby let him.

“You’re not wrong that things are – off, between Buck and I. It has nothing to do with work, though. I trust you, and Buck, on the calls you make. Even though I think Buck makes stupid, risky ones, he’d never put the rest of us at risk.” He couldn’t help rolling his eyes, adding bitterly, “Only himself.”

“It’s frustrating,” Bobby said carefully. “Watching the people we care about act recklessly.”

Eddie scoffed quietly.

“It’s hard seeing our loved ones hurt on the job too.”

He eyed Bobby, eyes narrowing. “Are you trying to make a point here, sir?”

Bobby chuckled, smiling wryly. “Just saying I understand the frustration that sometimes comes about in our line of work. And that that fear and worry sometimes spills over into our personal lives, too. Even when we try not to let it.”

Eddie shook his head again, unable to look at Bobby. “I told you,” he said, pushing to his feet. “Buck and I – it’s nothing to do with the job. It’ll be fine.” He hoped.

Thursday, there was a call for an apartment fire.

They weren’t the first station on the scene, but it was windy and the fire had jumped to the building next door. The 118 went to help evacuate whoever was still in the building and control the flames.

Buck and Eddie took the upper floors. The pounded on doors. Most people had exited, thankfully. One apartment had people already rushing out, and Eddie directed them to the stairwell and let the others know they had a group of three on their way down.

They had to break in two or three doors. Most of the apartments were empty, with people being at work still in the afternoon. When they were closer to where the fire was, smoke getting thicker in the air, they found one apartment with a teenager, coughing heavily and clearly afraid. Eddie let Buck handle him, checking quickly for anyone else. He still asked the teen when he returned, relieved to get a shake of his head.

They were most of the way to the stairs when there was an explosion somewhere. It sent Buck and the teen staggering. Eddie threw a hand at the wall to steady himself. Back down the hall, the fire was worse, parts of the floor gone. Eddie’s guess was maybe someone had hurried out so fast they left a stove on or something.

Thankfully, they managed to get out safely. The others were there too. Their building, despite the explosion, seemed to be contained.

The original apartment fire was not.

By the time the call was finished, it was two hours after their shift had been supposed to end. Eddie felt grimy, like he usually did after calls like that, covered in soot and sweat and all kinds of things. It was a relief to strip and get into the shower.

He’d texted Carla on their way back to the station. She’d told him not to worry, as she always did, that she and Chris were fine.

Eddie pressed his forehead to the tile wall.

There’d been losses. Not just civilian. One of the other stations had lost a firefighter, and it had had everyone solemn and weighed down. It always hit Eddie, reminded him that he’d traded one dangerous career for another. He could die on the job, he almost had before. If he did, he wondered who would tell Chris. He wondered how Chris would take it.

Would Chris feel abandoned? Would he still think of Eddie as a hero?

It was useless, wondering. Eddie knew that. He knew it would only lead to frustration and fear and nothing good, because he couldn’t predict the future. He’d talked about it with Frank, before. He knew that all he could do was take every precaution he could, follow protocol, and just… hope. Eddie couldn’t control what happened beyond his own actions.

But sometimes… well.

Eddie hadn’t always been careful, even knowing it could end badly. He’d cut the line, saving that kid. It’d been the right call, Eddie believed that, but it had been reckless, dangerous, and he had gotten lucky.

Maybe it had rubbed off, being Buck’s partner.

Buck had more luck than half the people Eddie knew put together. Buck would seemingly easily be the one to take a risk, to break protocol if he thought it meant saving someone’s life, because for some _fucking_ reason Buck put no value on his own.

Fuck, what if it’d be Buck who was lost, one day. Eddie’d have to tell Chris.

Chris would be devastated. Eddie knew that.

Of course, Eddie himself may have caused Chris to lose Buck. Because Buck was still barely speaking to him, and Chris had already been talking last night about which movie he wanted to watch with his Buck on Friday’s Movie Night. Eddie didn’t have the words or the heart to tell him Buck might not come around for it.

He’d need to make an excuse.

“You drowning in there?”

Eddie startled, heart racing, before he breathed and steadied himself. “Fine,” he called, hoping the sound of the spray hid how his voice shook.

“Okay,” he heard after a minute, and Buck must have moved away.

Eddie closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and finished washing.

He was surprised when he stepped out towards his car to find Buck waiting there, arms crossed and eyes on the ground. Eddie paused a few feet away, hand clenching around his key.

“Did you need something?” he asked, wincing at how it came out. He just – Buck waiting next to his car for him was weird, after the past few days. Right? So he must have needed something, though Eddie couldn’t imagine what.

(His clothes back from Eddie’s place, a whisper in his mind suggested. To return the key to Eddie’s house and ask for the one to his apartment back.)

Buck’s shoulders hunched up, and he said, “No. No I just-“ He glanced up, uncertain and – Eddie hated that look. “I know tomorrow’s Movie Night, and I just… I wanted to ask-“

“You don’t have to show up,” Eddie said, forcing the words past the knot in his throat. “I can tell Chris you’re busy or something.” He felt rooted to the ground.

Buck was staring wide eyed and surprised. “Oh.”

Eddie shrugged, glancing away, adjusting the bag over his shoulder. “Yeah,” he said awkwardly. “I’m sure you – you don’t want to….”

He glanced back over, and felt like his stomach dropped. Buck looked _hurt_ , and Eddie could see the damn glimmer of tears in his eyes and –

Fuck. _Fuck_.

“Or,” he found himself saying, “I can just – I can be busy, and you can….”

Buck was frowning at him, still with too-shiny eyes, still with hurt, and now he was confused.

Welcome to the fucking club, Eddie thought. As if Eddie knew what he was doing himself.

“Chris is already excited to see you,” Eddie said quietly, sighing. “If you – if you don’t mind…. Please?”

“Of course,” Buck said instantly. It just twisted painfully in Eddie’s chest even more, because Buck cared about Chris so fucking much, and Eddie had already put their friendship on thin ice with his stupid drunken choice to sleep with Buck. He’d almost just ruined it right then, though he wasn’t sure what Buck had been going to say except that he wasn’t comfortable hanging out with Eddie outside of work anymore.

“Thanks,” Eddie mumbled, walking around Buck to get to the door of his truck. He tossed his bag over into the backseat, climbing in and going to shut the door.

Buck caught it.

“You don’t – you’re not gonna join us?”

Eddie shrugged, unable to look at whatever was on Buck’s face, because the uncertainty in his voice was hurting enough, thank you very much. “I’ll figure out something to do.”

“Eddie….”

“I’ve already kept Carla late enough,” Eddie interrupted quickly, a bit desperately.

Buck let go of the door, stepping back. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, voice quiet and subdued. Eddie glanced at him, but Buck’s expression was unusually hard to unravel.

So Eddie just nodded, started his truck, and left.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hear some of you all were asking for this. ;) 
> 
> Here it is - the final chapter. I can only hope it lives up to everyone's expectations at this point.

Buck pulled up outside of the Diaz house for the first time in almost a week. He turned off his jeep and just – sat there, staring at the door and the lights in the windows that looked warm and welcoming.

He wasn’t sure precisely how welcome he really was.

He and Eddie had barely spoken all week, and not spoken at all outside of their shifts. Except the other night, when Buck had waited at Eddie’s truck to ask him about movie night. Eddie had been quick to say he’d find an excuse for Buck not being there. It’d felt like white hot stab into his chest, the confirmation that he’d ruined things the past weekend so thoroughly that Eddie wanted him out of his life – out of _Chris_ ’ life.

Buck had been telling himself it was what he’d suspected, what he’d realized could be a consequence of his stupid, shitty Buck 1.0 actions. Why would Eddie want someone like that around Chris?

Then, abruptly, Eddie was saying Buck could come over and Eddie would make himself scarce.

Which… didn’t really make sense.

Buck tried to twist it around, but Eddie was saying things like ‘if you don’t mind’ and ‘thanks’ and looking worn down and dejected in a way Buck hadn’t seen before and something – something must have happened. Buck tried to talk but Eddie all but begged to be allowed to go.

So Buck let him drive off, and he kept turning it all over in his head.

Eddie had gone from telling Buck he’d make up an excuse for Buck not showing up, to instead saying he’d find a reason to not be there. So obviously he still didn’t want to spend any time with Buck. After what Buck had done, Buck figured he deserved that.

But it was the ‘please’ and the ‘if you don’t mind’ that kept throwing him for a loop. Because that sounded like he thought _Buck_ didn’t want to come to their home.

Which didn’t make sense. Unless Buck had missed something.

He didn’t know how to ask Eddie to stay for the movie, or if he even should. If he had the _right_ to. All day at their shift he’d been thinking about it, turning everything over and over and driving himself half crazy. He knew everyone had caught on that something was up, days ago. There were too many glances between him and Eddie from everyone for him to think they’d not been noticing.

Hen sat by him at one point that Friday afternoon and had asked what was on his mind. Buck had shaken his head, offering a smile and said, “Just thinking” and changed the subject. Whatever was going on, it was their business, his and Eddie’s. He didn’t think Eddie would want anyone else to know about it, anyway.

Buck had been no closer to answers by the end of the day, and he was no closer to any now, faced with the front door.

Should he even ask Eddie to stay? What if it was Eddie who wanted space, but was only letting Buck come over because of Chris?

That seemed like something Eddie might do.

Except… it didn’t feel like it fit quite right.

“Buddy!” Buck greeted, grinning, when Chris pulled the door open. Buck gathered him up in his arms and Chris laughed, throwing his around Buck’s neck.

“Buck!” he said cheerfully. “I _missed_ you!”

“I missed you too,” he said, stepping in and nudging the door shut.

“Dad said you were super busy,” Chris continued. “So I made a list of things to tell you that you missed!”

“A list huh?” Buck said, voice almost choking. “Must have been a busy week for you, too.”

Chris laughed, wiggling a bit so Buck would put him down. Buck followed him into the living room, where Eddie was setting a bowl of popcorn on the table, and there was a stack of papers with Chris’ handwriting and pictures waiting.

Eddie glanced at Buck and then away. He forced a smile for Chris, ruffling his hair, and saying, “Okay, you two have fun, I’m just gonna-“

“You sure?” Buck interrupted. He was aware he sounded desperate. “You – it can’t wait until later?” He had no idea what Eddie had made up to keep himself from movie night.

Chris glanced back at Buck, and then at his dad and made a pleading face. “Please? We _always_ have movie night together.”

Eddie’s mouth opened and closed twice, as he looked from Chris to Buck and then around in what was almost panic. “I….”

“Sorry,” Buck said quickly. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have – Chris if your dad’s… we shouldn’t make him feel bad.” He looked down, the guilt in his stomach growing. Pushing, again. Always pushing for more from people than they wanted to give him, and –

“It can wait,” Eddie said quietly. “Can’t break tradition, right mijo?”

“Right.” Chris smiled, pleased with his success, and sat in the middle of the couch. He patted the cushions on both sides of him, clearly encouraging them to join him. Buck and Eddie exchanged a glance, both uncertain, before sitting.

It was the longest hour and a half of Buck’s life.

Well okay. Maybe not the longest. Most awkward for sure, though.

Buck barely remembered most of what happened in the movie – he just was aware of the growing tension in the air. When the movie ended and Eddie clicked it off, Chris was yawning sleepily between them.

They didn’t speak as Eddie picked Chris up, carrying him down the hall to his room.

Chris rubbed a fist at one eye, mumbling “good night Bucky” to him over Eddie’s shoulder. Buck called out a quiet good night back. He stayed right where he was on the couch, hands gripping his knees.

He could get up, leave, avoid whatever awkward or tense conversation was just waiting in the wings.

Eddie might prefer that, prefer Buck gone now that he didn’t need to be here for Chris.

Buck got up, took two steps into the hall, and froze, indecisive.

“Leaving?”

He startled, turning to see Eddie watching him from near the living room. His arms were crossed, and one shoulder was pressed into the wall. His face was blank, and Buck hated it when Eddie did that, shut down every single emotion like they were state secrets. Like if he dared show one emotion that wasn’t pleasant neutrality, it was going to be used to –

To what? Destroy him? Hurt him?

Buck swallowed.

“I wasn’t sure you wanted me to stay,” he offered.

Eddie just shrugged.

Buck stared back, waiting, not sure what to do. His heart was racing and he felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin with the tension growing between them, here away from work where they didn’t have to be professional or fake anything, without Chris watching them and them needing to be on their best behavior.

“I don’t know what you want from me here, Eddie,” Buck said desperately. “I – I don’t know, so you gotta tell me. What – what do you want me to do? Say?”

Eddie was just staring at him, blank, but Buck swore he saw Eddie’s mouth thin, twitch towards a frown.

“Do – do you want me to apologize?” he tried. He hated these kinds of stupid guessing games of ‘what did you do wrong?’. He’d had enough of that shit growing up, but for Eddie he’d – he’d do it this time, if it meant he could fix things. “I know – I _know_ I was, what I did was, awful, but-“

Buck’s words choked off. He wanted to say ‘but I loved every moment of it’ or ‘but I thought I meant something to you’ or ‘but I didn’t mean to hurt you’.

At least Eddie wasn’t blank faced anymore. He was frowning, almost suspiciously, and he shrugged up from the wall.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, quiet and too-even voiced.

Buck bit his cheek against the urge to say something louder, like it would sink in more. Chris was down the hall, asleep. And shouting – it never solved anything, he knew that.

“I don’t know,” he said desperately. “I don’t know what you want me to do here, Eddie.”

“I don’t want you to do-“

“No,” Buck snapped, then yanked his voice down again with a wince. “No,” he repeated, quieter but still fierce. “You don’t get to act like you’re not upset with me, when you’ve been nothing _but_ all week-“

There was a spark in Eddie’s eyes, anger flaring, and Buck was relieved because at least finally Eddie was going to be honest about what he was feeling, not –

“You left me!”

Buck’s world froze.

Eddie’s jaw clenched and he looked away sharply, arms tightening around himself – almost like he was retreating. Buck couldn’t make his mouth form words, just blinked and gaped at Eddie because….

“You left me,” Eddie repeated, voice painfully even. “I don’t know what you’re playing at here, Buck, but I don’t – I can’t. I know I messed up, took advantage-“

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Eddie looked at him, a sideways glance. “You were drunk, and emotionally vulnerable-“

Buck made a noise he’d never made before. Something between a laugh and a scoff and a pained croak. “ _I_ was emotionally vulnerable? I made you talk about your ex-wife,” he said, with a bit of a laugh that was high and hurting. “I made you talk about something that hurt you, and you weren’t exactly sober yourself if I remember, and-“

“I should have known better-“

“Known better than what?” Buck hissed, aware, so aware, of Chris nearby. Buck knew what fighting adults sounded like, how it made a kid feel while hiding away in another room, hoping it would end soon. “Than to sleep with me?”

“Yes!” Eddie snapped, voice also hushed. It still stabbed Buck right in the heart, twisting painfully. “I should have had more control-“

“What’s that supposed to mean? I’m not some fucking kid, Eddie, I’m as responsible for what happened as you-“

Eddie gave a short, too-bitter laugh, shaking his head. “Don’t act like I’m calling you irresponsible, the point is that I should have known better.”

“Than to what?” Buck demanded, again. He wanted to stomp closer, to grab Eddie, to just – somehow, in some way, get him to actually tell Buck what was _wrong_ , instead of… whatever this whole confusing conversation was. “You’re pissed at me, you _should be_ , so why are you trying to say this is not my fault-“

“Damn it, Buck – I’m not fucking pissed at you! I’m pissed at _me!_ ”

Buck shook his head. “That doesn’t-“

 _“You_ left!” Eddie repeated, voice louder, cutting Buck off mid-sentence. Buck could hear the pain there, under the seeming anger, and it brought him up short.

Eddie kept saying that.

“I panicked,” Buck admitted slowly. “I woke up and realized that I’d been pushy the other night, and that Chris might be home soon, and that….” He blinked, looking up to try to discourage the tears. He needed to say this, should have fucking talked to Eddie about it before, but he’d – he’d been desperate. Hoping they could just pretend he hadn’t fucked up. “I couldn’t pretend everything was normal, if you regretted it. Because I’d been pushy and….”

He breathed in, sharp and unsteady, when Eddie set a hand on his arm, right above his elbow. His other hand came up, pushed into Buck’s hair at the back of his head and tilted his head down.

Eddie was frowning, but he didn’t look angry or hurt anymore.

“You thought I’d regret it?” His voice was hushed and calmer, bringing all the intensity of before down to a less intense level just with that simple shift.

Buck shrugged, helplessly. “We hadn’t even talked about – any of this, and then I was showing up on your doorstep unannounced, and we were both drunk, and I felt like I’d pressured you into….”

“Evan,” Eddie said, voice torn between amusement and annoyance. Buck was just kind of hung up on hearing Eddie say his first name, so it took a moment to process that Eddie said, “Evan I kissed you first, you idiot.”

“Hey,” he protested, frowning a bit. “And what does it matter if you kissed me? I-“

“Didn’t pressure me into anything,” Eddie interrupted, firm and resolute. His thumb stroked near Buck’s jaw and – and that was.

That was almost painfully tender a touch. Buck wanted to lean into it so badly.

“I made you talk about-“

“You didn’t make me do anything,” Eddie cut him off, again. He sounded so sure, so factual, Buck wanted to believe him. “If I hadn’t wanted to talk about it, I wouldn’t have. It was my choice to share, and my choice to drink, and my choice to kiss you.” Eddie swallowed. “I thought – I thought maybe you….”

“No,” Buck said, shaking his head. Fuck. Fuck, he _had_ fucked up, just – not how he’d thought. Damn it. He grabbed Eddie’s shoulders. “No, I didn’t regret – I just –“

“Panicked. And ran.”

Buck looked down. Eddie didn’t push him to do or say anything for what felt like a very long time. Buck spent a few long, seemingly endless moments gathering himself, his thoughts, his courage to just _say_ what he’d been feeling and thinking, so much worse after that conversation with Abby. He owed it to Eddie, for what he’d helped put them through this past week.

“Everyone always leaves,” Buck explained. “I guess I just – I was afraid of what it would do to me, if you left.”

“I’m not leaving,” Eddie said quietly. “I know, that might be hard to believe with my track record and-“

Buck frowned, shaking his head. Track record, Jesus, what was Eddie even _talking_ about that for when it was so false, such a skewed perspective on his past. “No, I don’t think-“

“I wouldn’t blame you. I’m not exactly a great catch.” Eddie sounded wry and weirdly certain of that, like he was just making a not-quite-a-joke that everyone knew. Like it was some weird goddamn fact that Eddie wasn’t such an amazing person, that he wasn’t one of the best people Buck had ever known.

Buck didn’t like it.

“Says who?” he demanded.

“Buck,” Eddie said, looking at him like Buck was being the ridiculous one.

“Says. Who.”

Eddie sighed, shaking his head. He let go of Buck, trying to step back, but Buck followed him, grip tightening, almost backing Eddie into the wall. Eddie started to feel almost cornered, and if Buck had been worried before about being pushy, Eddie wanted to know why he wasn’t _now_ , when he was actually pushing.

“Says. Who.” Buck sounded almost angry, daring.

“Says me!” Eddie snapped, finally. He glared at Buck, who just glared right back, and how had they gone back to fighting, again? Was that what all Eddie’s relationships were doomed for? Brief moments of understanding, surrounded by arguments and frustration?

“You’re wrong,” Buck said, steady. “You save people, every day. You are a great-“

Eddie shook his head, ready to point out to Buck all the ways the coming statement was wrong – he worked too much, saw Chris too little, hadn’t been there for him when he was smaller, had almost had his parents try to _take_ Chris from him – but Buck just spoke over him.

“You are a _great father_ ,” he said, firmly. “Fuck anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, Eddie. I had a shitty dad. I know what one looks like, alright, and there’s _nothing_ there that applies to you. Okay?”

Eddie closed his eyes when Buck grabbed his face, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs. He couldn’t look at Buck, couldn’t take the fierce and deep emotion in his eyes. It was – it was too much. “You’re smart, and you know you’re hot as sin, don’t try denying that one.”

Eddie huffed a laugh, opening his eyes to see Buck looking at him, soft and tender and that ached in a whole new way. He could barely stand it. He couldn’t look away from it.

“You’re constantly willing to try and do better than you were before, to learn from your mistakes. You’re the best friend I could have ever wished for. You made me part of your family without question. You trust me with your son.” Buck swallowed, and his voice was hoarse as he said, “You make me wanna believe that I’m not destined to be alone.”

“You’re not,” Eddie promised, grabbing Buck’s wrists, thumbs rubbing at the soft skin there. “Even if – even if you decide you don’t want to be with me romantically, you’re family Buck. I promise.”

Buck nodded, though Eddie didn’t know if he actually believed it. He stayed where he was as Buck stepped closer, leaving barely inches of space between them.

“I do. Want to be with you, like that.” A faint flush appeared on Buck’s face. “I just – I don’t want to mess this up, like I have every other relationship.”

Eddie shook his head, smiling wryly. “Aren’t we a pair, huh?”

Buck’s lips twitched into a faint grin, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Guess so.”

Eddie didn’t think he believed he was as good for Buck as Buck said he was, not really, not yet. But he figured Buck wasn’t going to let it go. Because Eddie knew _he_ wasn’t going to let go the fact that Buck thought he wasn’t good enough to stay with forever.

Ridiculous.

Like Eddie was going to let go of Buck, unless Buck asked him to.

And maybe, maybe Buck would, one day. But Eddie knew he wouldn’t regret any of his time with Buck. The pain would be horrendous, but fuck would it be worth the precious time before that.

“So.” Eddie took a breath. “I think we probably do need to talk more about this,” he said, reluctantly. “But…. It can wait, yeah? We’re on the same page now?”

“Neither of us regret that night, we’re both apparently really bad at not blaming ourselves for things, and we definitely want a relationship of the romantic sort.”

Eddie snorted. “Yeah. That’s about right.”

Buck nodded, eyes dropping to Eddie’s mouth. “So… I can kiss you now, right?”

Eddie smirked, reaching up and tangling his fingers in Buck’s hair, pulling him down. “Oh, absolutely.” He pressed up, kissing Buck deeply, only pulling back to admit, “I haven’t stopped thinking about that night, and especially about how good you are at kissing.”

Buck’s eyes fluttered, a smile and blush appearing.

“I kept thinking about it too,” he confessed, almost breathy. “It was – _fuck_ , Eddie.”

Eddie hummed, amused and pretty pleased with himself, darting his eyes all over Buck’s face. “I’d say we could do something tonight, but I know how noisy you are.” He raised a brow as Buck blushed more. “I like it too much to want to quiet you just yet.”

He leaned in, giving Buck one more kiss, slow and deep, taking his time. Buck all but melted against him.

Yeah. The next time they had sex, Eddie wanted _time_ and he wanted to not have to worry about his son down the hall hearing them, or walking in on them, or anything like that. He wanted to do all sorts of things to Buck, too many to choose from honestly. He wanted to take Buck absolutely _apart_ , and he was pretty sure Buck would be more than okay with that.

“I’ll see about Abuela or Pepa taking Chris for a sleepover soon,” he murmured, kissing Buck’s cheek. “And I’ll take you out for a very good first date,” he promised, pressing another kiss to the hinge of his jaw. He trailed his lips down, to the sensitive skin behind Buck’s ear, listening to Buck almost panting. “And then I’ll bring you home, and treat you _very_ nice.”

“Fuck,” Buck whined, hands gripping Eddie’s sides tightly.

“That is the gist of the plan, yes,” Eddie teased.

Buck snorted, lowering his head and burying it against Eddie’s neck despite the fact that he was taller. Eddie ran his fingers through Buck’s hair, smiling.

“Can I still stay?” Buck whispered after a moment. “Just – I’ll sleep on the couch if you-“

“You will not sleep on the couch,” Eddie disagreed, pulling back to give Buck an annoyed look. “You think you’re sleeping anywhere than in my bed now that I’ve got you? Think again.”

Buck grinned, flushed and amused and happy. It was a really good look on him, Eddie thought.

“Okay,” Buck agreed. He leaned in, kissed Eddie very sweetly. “Let’s go make out in your bed, and then sleep like responsible adults, and in the morning, I’ll make breakfast.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Eddie agreed, following as Buck lead the way down the hall. “Can you actually keep quiet while making out though?” he asked, teasingly suspicious.

Buck shot a look at him, a bit hot and teasing. “Yeah, sometimes.”

Oh, Eddie was sure Buck wasn’t just talking about keeping his own noises quiet with that. He had a feeling Buck wasn’t, entirely. And at some point they were going to talk about that.

But not tonight.

Enough talking had happened.

Eddie backed Buck up towards the bed, pushing Buck’s pants down, as Buck did the same for him, grinning and laughing under his breath when they stumbled. They crawled onto the bed, together, Eddie leaning over Buck and kissing him until Buck was relaxed back into the pillows, still smiling.

There was a lot to still say. To talk about. To work out from the clusterfuck of the past week.

And there was a lot that Eddie thought maybe he wanted to say, but that it was too soon to voice. How he wanted Buck to stay here every night, in his bed. How much he felt he already loved Buck. How much Eddie wanted to make this a forever kind of thing.

That could wait, too. For a while, but one day, he’d find the right words to express it all.

For now, Eddie had Buck, and Buck had Eddie, and they were okay.

That was what was important.

Buck knew he wasn’t imagining the relieved looks from their team at May’s graduation party, when they showed up together and much more at ease than they’d been all week. He didn’t miss the sharp look on Athena’s face that smoothed out into fondness. He didn’t miss how Bobby looked between them, still concerned the slightest bit.

Buck didn’t mind. He knew his team, his family, were just looking out for him. They always were, really. He needed to start trusting that more than he had been, he was realizing.

Not everyone was waiting for him to fuck up.

Not everyone _wanted_ to leave him.

Buck glanced down at Chris, unable to help smiling. Chris had been latched onto his side most of the morning, his delight at waking up to find Buck and Eddie in the kitchen lighting the room up more than the sunlight from the windows. Eddie had been watching them with a smile the whole time, the expression painfully soft – and familiar. Buck had been seeing it for a while, but now it really did mean what he’d always hoped it did.

They’d talked a bit more, that morning. Buck was sure Eddie was kicking himself quietly as much as he was, for the stupid miscommunication. If they’d made different choices, been less eager to find blame with themselves, actually stopped and talked instead of letting it fester for so long. If, if, if. It had happened – but they’d recovered. Like before. Like they would – probably, hopefully – do again.

Buck sure had no plans to let Eddie go so easily anymore. Now that he had him, Buck was figuring it was finders keepers, right? Dibbs? Whatever.

They hadn’t told Chris yet. They were going to bring it up after camp, figure out how it was going to work, talk things over some more. Eddie had looked pained when he’d said that, and Buck hadn’t been able to help himself leaning over for a quick kiss.

The party was fun. The food was delicious, not that Buck expected anything less with both Bobby and Athena running things. Buck split his time between everyone, though he knew most of it centered around Chris and Eddie. No one seemed to really notice that, but well… it wasn’t anything new, was it? Not really.

Buck dragged as many people as he could to the little photo booth thing. He got pictures with Maddie, the two of them laughing like they hadn’t in – too long, Buck decided. It was good. There was some with most of the team, and Buck wanted to be sure he got a copy of that one. Maybe they’d separate, maybe they’d lose touch, but for this moment, they were family, and that meant something.

A lot of his pictures were with Chris, or Eddie. He hit Eddie in the face at one point, and was torn between apology and laughter. Eddie’s face scrunched up and Buck would never say it out loud but it was kind of adorable. The way Eddie practically went cross-eyed following Buck’s hands as he touched carefully at his cheeks and nose…. Buck hoped there was a picture of that moment, even if it was considered more of a mistake picture or whatever. He’d ask the photographer before the party was over.

Buck kept an eye out – and once he knew Bobby was, mostly, alone he approached. He knew he owed him an apology – for a lot, recently. For lashing out about Bobby being willing to make the practical, policy-focused choice. For shouting at him, accusing him of letting what had happened to Athena affect his choices. For putting someone else above his team’s safety.

Bobby dismissed it, so easily that Buck was just determined to find a way to show his apology some other way, that Bobby couldn’t dismiss. Not because he didn’t think Bobby meant it when he said it was fine, but because he figured Bobby deserved it.

“Doing okay?” Bobby asked, brows raised, eyes on Buck.

Buck felt himself grin a bit, glancing away as he huffed a laugh. He knew what Bobby was asking about. He knew Bobby meant Abby – and yeah, he could see why. Considering the train, and how off Buck had been all week, and what Bobby knew of the entire thing. If it was someone else, Buck would have been wondering and worried too, probably.

But… Buck _was_ fine. He hadn’t been hung up on Abby for a while, and it was just the nostalgia and surprise of seeing her again, like that, and their not-satisfying conversation that had been bothering him.

Besides. Buck had Eddie now. Well – he’d had Eddie before, but not like he did now. Buck and Eddie had gotten themselves on the same page. They had decided to take a risk together. They –

They were dating.

Buck’s smile grew a bit more and he looked back at Bobby. “Yeah. I think I am.”

He wasn’t worried about things with Eddie. Eddie knew exactly what this lifestyle was like – though Buck was kind of wondering how they’d handle it now, or if it’d be the same as always, because Buck had always been aware of and worried about Eddie as his best friend and partner. He wasn’t sure if there’d be a big difference now that it was Eddie his boyfriend.

He wasn’t worried that he was just another problem for Eddie or a burden. He and Eddie supported each other, and Buck felt more certain of that than he ever had with Abby, where he’d always been wondering if he was overstepping or how to best help or if she’d want his help at all.

He fit with Eddie, and he had since nearly the very start.

It didn’t feel scary, deciding they wanted to date. It felt – right. Exciting.

Buck couldn’t get the smile off his face just thinking about it.

“Good,” Bobby said warmly.

They’d have to tell Bobby, some point soon.

But for now, Buck was going to enjoy the party, enjoy feeling good, and enjoy the fact that after it ended, he was going home with his Diaz boys. They were gonna swing by his apartment so he could get some clothes and shit, and Eddie’s abuela expected Buck at dinner on Sunday.

Buck looked around, spotting Eddie and Chris dancing together, Eddie holding a plate of cake up out of the way. He excused himself from Bobby, heading over, and snatching the plate away with a grin. Eddie glanced over and narrowed his eyes, playfully.

“Hey now, get your own cake, Buckley.”

“But stolen cake tastes so much better,” Buck insisted, winking at Chris who was already giggling.

Eddie hummed skeptically, lips pressed like it was going to hide the smile there, like Buck couldn’t see the laughter and fondness in his eyes. Buck wanted to kiss him so badly right then.

Eddie could probably read it on him just as much as Buck could read him at this point, because he leaned closer. Under his breath, he said, “You’ll pay for that later.”

Buck’s grin grew. “Oooh,” he teased quietly. “Big talk there, Diaz.”

He just raised a brow, smirking at Buck, before turning back to Chris and saying “I think this means we get all of Buck’s piece of cake.”

Chris of course, quickly agreed with that plan. Buck snorted, following them to the table. He let himself press a bit closer to Eddie, under the excuse of the crowd or him trying to get to the cake or something.

“Chris is going to be bouncing off the walls,” Eddie mused, watching as he left them to chase after Denny and Harry who had gotten super-soakers from somewhere. Buck decided he wanted nothing to do with whatever drama was going to unfold from that.

“What are our chances of sneaking off for a bit, you think?” Buck mused.

Eddie laughed. “At this party? Not that high.” He grabbed Buck’s hand, giving it a quick squeeze before letting go. “We’ve got two weeks coming up where there’ll be… time.” His smile was softer, and Buck was again struck with the urge to kiss him.

To be fair, he had that urge a lot. It wasn’t an entirely new one, either.

“We’ll definitely have to figure out some way to distract you from Chris being at camp,” Buck agreed seriously.

Eddie laughed, rolling his eyes.

Buck was going to spend the rest of his fucking life making Eddie smile and laugh, he decided.

And kissing him. One day no matter who could see.

Yeah – Buck was doing beyond okay now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading and your comments and kudos! They've been an absolute delight to get and read the past few days, and you've all been so sweet and awesome. :)


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